Communication

somebody needs to communicate, not sure who or what with but really they say that 40 is the new 30..30 is the new 20 and while you can slap on fancy creams, go and gets the sagging bits lifted, tucked, removed or even enhanced you cant do anything about nature and the whole evolution thing....stone age people were dead at 20....we are living longer they say well someone need to tell the inside bits too.....

My face is starting to need something a little more than cream and Sunday masks..it stings when I put my normal face cream on..I stand in Coles with my hand hovering over the 35 year old section when I look across and see the 40+ even that isn't doing much....and again I don't want to look 30 I AM 40+
I stand at the feminine hygiene section and toss over pretty pads or Poise    who am I trying to kid, the boy at the checkout can see I will piss my pants if he takes too long....but my body still cries out for the heaviest of heaviest pads sometimes and sometimes it plays weird tricks like really that is it?
and babies...I realised a long time ago no more babies for me, The Man's health and all that brings to the future meant 2 and we were bless to have them (if we knew now what we knew then maybe it would have been 0).....doesn't stop me longing looking at cute babies in arms at the shopping centre until yesterday The Man pipes up with the next one you will be holding will be a grand child.........yeah thanks....and if you were a cave man you WOULD be dead.
so do I want to be 30 again, even look like I am 30? no I don't I just want to be comfortable in my skin, wrinkles don't bother me, sun spots and age spots do......and is my skin really starting to feel like paper with a soft fluff? next I will be dusting light powder and smelling like a grandma
love bee x

Sunday Silence

My new corner of the world

Givers and takers....

At the moment I feel all I am doing is giving now don't get me wrong I love helping, I love feeling needed but some people are just pushing me the wrong way..
The TA who has decided she is now boss of the world (no shit came to PD days last week full make up hair piece ) she lost it yesterday 3 times and while I felt sorry for her she brought it all on herself and yes we were there to pick up the pieces and put her back together which created a new start on equal playing fields.
The class we have is awesome all G & T bar MrDD and one other poppet, so it should be good and a very different perspective from my normal view...
MrDD gave me a big hug and held my hand most of the day...we learnt sign language months (if I am doing it right) and numbers are not far away ...

love bee x

Monday

Many holes will be filled today....

• the hole that is my still bare kitchen
• the hole left by MLF..it is still hard to let go
• the hole that was a bare year 7 classroom ..being filled by a year 1/2
• the hole that a few TA's left by leaving or asking not to work with MrDD

I am so excited my CT is so bubbly and fresh, the SWD teacher is very supportive..

Yeah .....!!!!!

Sunday Silence

pull up a chair...

I have gone from black to red.......so cute x

new chapter

Never done the PFDs if he wasn't there neither was I....

This year I am really employed (I always was but sort different in a way) and start along with everyone else, I am so nervous but excited at the same time, thou with no children as a buffer it is the whole grown up social thing my anxiety is playing up my face is red and scaly deep breaths and lots of positive self talk...

I really didn't think I would be going back, I thought a new direction...I followed my heart and gut lets hope it was the right choice x

wow wee

Yep my FB friends can see what I have been doing...it was a family project that we left until the last minute because we need a functioning kitchen..but circumstances changed that!

I did most of the pulling down (cause I got up early ) then yelled for the boys to get up when I was left holding a top cupboard with a power point in it.... :) while I was standing on a chair!!!! when they did get up it was to lift the things that were tricky to manoeuvre out the door past the furniture under the veranda. a phone call Saturday afternoon tipped the balance on a very delicate situation that needed sorting and sorting fast...but we were helping my dad and mum with their kitchen renovations so the pull of a cooked roast dinner won and we let others sort the stuff via a few long phone calls over dinner.....and wine.

Sunday arrived and we planned for one of us to do the dump runs and the other go and get the rest of the paint and hardware bits.....that didn't happen as once again things were dangling by a thread. The Man left to deal with it and took the boys while I tried to do the tiles......I stopped after 4 because I was pulling a bit of plaster board off. So I did the two dump runs and met the boys back at home just as I was pulling my clothes off to have a shower....clothes back on down to Masters because the boys pulled more that a bit of plaster board off..

A quick measure and rough cut didn't please The Man and he was in a rush to go out again. So B2 and I were left home to do it 'OUR' was aka The Grouch style...because it is being covered up by a stone to ceiling splash back.... we did it together we lots of laughs and fuck The Man's way jokes!!!!!

So today sees me going to collect the appliances (yippy) and more paint then home to finish the painting after I sand the wall down.....

I want it all done today as tomorrow is DND my last day of holidays.....Oh well 11 weeks and I will have some more 

I will be glad to go back to work for a rest.....

Sunday Silence

Kick up the Bum

I went along to the doctor and he asked how I was going?
All good I say, he asks about the holidays and what I have been doing?
The house I say.....painting , ripping up carpet, going to the dump, that kind of thing.....
Doc ''did you go out for Christmas?''
Me ''Yes to my family not to The Man's I didn't want too''.....
Doc ''why not?''
Me '' because I didn't want too''
Doc ''did you meet up with friends?''
Me ''No''
Doc ''Why not?''
Me ''I didn't want to''
Doc ''why not?''
Me ''Just because I had the house stuff to do, and I didn't want to....''
Doc'did anyone help with the work at the house?''
Me ''yes the boys started and I took over''
Doc '' when do you go back to work?''
Me 'Wednesday next week''
Doc "So you have spent the whole holidays working on the house, getting stuff for the house but not doing anything fun for yourself''
Me 'I have my art journal things"
Doc '' with people you don't know and don't have to see?''
Me ''yes , some of them live overseas others in different states of Australia''
Doc '' SILENCE''

I am the highest medication I can be on, my blood pressure is sky high, I am in big trouble and need to take a stand on myself....
I don't do the victim well, I just get on with it, it has to be done, I do it......would I love to live in a perfect world? no I wouldn't my life is what it is and that is that..... if I went on a holiday I have the mother /  carer guilt, if I ask the boys to help me they will (I just don't ask) !!!!
I have high expectations of myself but not of others.....
sweats and panic attacks are a big part of my life.....he wants to do hypnosis....well why not I have done most other things....

relax

I have spent the last two days lying in bed reading trashy books and magazines with awful pains ..
off to the doctor today to get it sorted hopefully...

My revisit

when our wall collapsed last year we called Dave when the insurance man had to come out we called Dave...he stood with me in the pouring rain and got soaked to the skin with me..
we stood together as the rain and tears blurred my eyes as to what the hell was gong to happen next?

This week I can't watch the flood revisits on television, not because I don't want to but because they remind me of Dave I see him clearly when I sit out the front....standing there in the rain.
I talk to his tree out the back, thanking him for all he did and all he gave us...
No I just can't watch....sorry
love bee x

Sunday Silence

Birthday

I tend to celebrate for the here and now when people have passed....

I go to my sisters for chocolate cake on Josh's birthday I don't really do sweet stuff but I don't go for me I go for my sister... (as he would be 18 this year maybe we could do chocolate mudslides instead..just putting it out there)

I bought an ornament for The Man for Christmas in memory of his dad, I bought two trees for father's day both for our garden but one for The Man the other in memory of his dad..

I buy stars in the sky, names in sand and trees in the forest for Josh so there are earthly reminders as well as loving memories.

It was Grandad's birthday yesterday and I told The Man no way was I going to the grave I go for me when I feel I should not because it makes someone happy (live and let live) The Man, A1 and B2 went at 4 with some other family members and did their thing, I went to the beer shop and bought a Beers of the World pack for The Man, you see we always bought that for our dad's at Christmas time....they were always gone before we left and enjoyed to boot!!!

My way of remembering and celebrating is to do something they would do....I gave them and opened one while we sat out the front and shed a few tears......B2 then gave his dad a few more and at 10.30 after a lot of  effort I put a very loud and drunk Husband to bed while being filmed by B2......he only got through 7 of the 10 but he will remember today....and smile 

love e x

and yes dear 63 is very young we all know x

Trade's woman

Haha I had to laugh reading Lee's post....

My life has been all about renovating and because our new kitchen is being installed on the 18th the rest of the house needs painting first, because we are also have new floating wooden flooring put down all the carpets and skirting needs to be ripped up....

BUT The Man, likes to supervise while we do stuff...I have shamelessly let him, A1 and B2 do the other rooms, but the fighting just got too much and I got up from my air conditioned comfort and joined in.....it is fun well until my brains tell my body it is 40, over weight and has muscles under the fat somewhere (yep found more than a few over the last week)

Then The Man starts.....just do it like this......oh you have a run.....did you do it like that......go over that again...(can I stand up and have a look first or better yet finish what I am doing before you rip the shit out of my over enthusiastic attempts? PLEASE??????????)

So our bedroom had it's first coat under the watchful eyes...then they went out.....gosh how much I wanted to flop in the bath with a beer and soak some of the pain away in silence......did I??? No way perfect moment to drag the freshly cleaned roller, tray and edger out and do the second coat while listening to Katy Perry.....until my darling B2 jumped thru the window and scared the beegeebers out of me...lucky I had just finished....until the light hits it and I get my second inspection....

my days in photos

Girls bits.. (warning)

I normally get cramps...left side right side, a week later sore boobies and then..the DND sign is up for about 4-7 days...

This time thanks to the medication for anxiety no cramps, no pain just ''hi, I'm here'' when I LEAST expected it...

PAIN...OMFG I have never had pain like I did, I felt like my inside lady parts we going to fall out of my outside lady parts...and spent the whole day telling anyone who will listen, with a The Man and 2 teenage boys the cross eyed girl cat was it..or the gay Halo while sitting on his blanket marching and sooking, a least he seemed to care!!! Then again he did have that far away look in his eyes....

So while the boys clocked up hours for A1, taking B2 to the coast and to pick up his wheels I went to the shop for drugs.... I have to go to the one a little further away because I go to get my normal medication near home they always ask if I take anything else ??? NO just give me the pills please!!!!!! 

I came home had a wash, put on my extra long maternity pads took 4 pills, text The Man ''if I die don't bury me'' and drifted into peace.....

Then no less than 2 hours later I was looking for a baby in my bed (which would also explain the weight gain) I swear I was in labour.....the pain lasted on and off for hours no heat pack, drugs, alcohol, drugs and alcohol worked...

Then my body responded in shut down mode, I feel drained and can hardly stand straight....thank goodness for public holidays and no money atm home is the best place to be, even if it is in fix it mode 

love bee x